An idea I had, inspired by a combination of the Game of Gnar and the Velominati… What ‘rules’ should there be to maintain suitable etiquette and quality in the mountains? Points could be awarded in an arbitrary manner for following them if you wanted to turn it into a game.  With thanks to the SnowHeads where I originally posted this and who helped refine and improve it.

So here we go….

1: It’s all about the kit.

1a: your transceiver should be the first thing you put on after leaving the shower.

2: tanlines should be restricted to panda eyes. Deliberately skiing in t-shirts in an effort to get a better tan should be discouraged.

3: The correct number of pairs of skis or snowboards in your quiver is n+1 (where the minimum value for n is 3 : piste, off-piste/tour and park)

4: Don’t suffer ‘kit confusion’ Dress appropriately for your skiing and/or image : If you’re a park-rat, then wear the appropriate baggy kit. If you’re carving down the piste, then look suitably streamlined. Also, refer to rule 22.

5: Harden the fsck up

6: Eyewear should be snow-sport specific : aviators or clip-on tints are a no-no

7: Don’t be a tw@. If you insist on being a tw@, at least be a funny tw@ : we’re all out there to enjoy ourselves.

8: keep your kit well maintained, clean and shiny. If it’s too knackered to be clean and shiny, then apply rule 3. Exceptions to this are where your application of rule 4 is towards stinky telehippy or the core duct-tape dude. Even so, rule 3 should be applied anyway.

9: Runs should be measured by quality and not quantity. It doesn’t matter if you skied that black 25 times, one set of fresh-tracks out of sight of the piste is immediately worth more.

10: Respect the earth; don’t litter. Put your chocolate bar wrapper back in your pocket on the chair, rather than letting it flutter off on the breeze

10a :If you smoke, tin your butts. Fag ends take between 5 and 25 years to break down.

11: the Racing Tuck should only be employed while racing or in race training. Sliding down a blue with your backside and poles pointed skyward is wrong. (Exception to this rule is when skiing in Scotland, and a racing tuck is the only way to maintain any forward motion against the wind)

12: If you’ve chosen to go out in a blizzard/whiteout/howling gale then you’re officially ‘rock hard’. If you’re not out in those conditions rule 5 applies.

13: Drink Espresso at the mountain cafe, it may be accompanied by some water or other drink. if espresso is too strong for you, then rule 5 applies.

14: You shall not ski with headphones. Skiing and boarding is about getting outside and into the elements and you don’t need to be listening to skrillex/abba/metallic/mozart See Rule 5 and just ski/board. Exceptions can be made to parkratz as headphone can be considered relevant to rule 4.

15: Don’t exaggerate incidents: crashes are only worth announcing in the bar if one or all involved required a blood wagon or helicopter evacuation. Anything less requires the application of rule 5.

16: follow the rules.

17: Help others : if they aren’t following the rules, it’s your job to educate them

18: Anyone found following or enforcing the rules so blindly that they spoil it for others, taking them too seriously or ignoring the spirit of the rules should refer to rule 7.

19: The only thing people will be interested in seeing from your helmetcam footage is you or others falling over, everything else is pure personal gratification an therefore best done without an audience…

20: wearing a helmet cam makes you look like a telly-tubby with it’s aerial poking out it’s head. Ensure your ability is sufficient to override that look.

21: Remove your peeps when in the bar afterwards, and refer to rule 15

22: Ensure your accessories/kit/hardware are appropriate to the conditions : snowploughing down a cruisy-blue with airbag rucksack, shovel, probe, GPS and transceiver is almost as daft as going off-piste with nothing but a piste-map. (but daft for different reasons). See the Gaper Spirit Animal as an example

23: Days off: You are here to sample the delights of sliding down the mountains, not have a spa day, do some shopping or other non snowsport pursuit. If you want a spa or shopping holiday then go on a spa or shopping holiday. Also refer to Rule5

24: Lifts open and close for a reason, it is your duty to ensure you arrive as near to lift opening as possible and not return home until at least one lift has officially closed (not due to mechanical failure). For clarification see Rule 5.

25: Choice of Aprez location should be based on bragging rights in terms of cost, either the cheapest or most expensive, never the average

26: when you go to any on-slope bar/restaurant, leave your skis somewhere sensible. If you are unable to do this, self-ban yourself from all said locations.

26a: When leaving skis or boards, remember you are not attempting to recreate the Domino Toppling world record. Place your skis or boards in a manner that is not going to result in a large row of skis and boards crashing to the ground.

27: Chairlifts are to be used for getting you up the mountain. If you want to go on a swing, go to a park with the other children.

28: Uplifts (Charlifts, Gondolas, chairlifts and cablecars) are self-describing. They are for getting you UP the mountain. If you find yourself using one to come down when you’re not in a position to apply rule 15 then you SHOULD apply rule 5.

29: The run-off from the top of a chair-lift is designed to allow you to leave the area. It is not designed as a chatting/kit and boot faffing zone.

30: If a lift is deserted, and you decide you absolutely, totally must get on THAT chair which is already occupied by a family and/or small children, you’re not allowed to complain if a small child throws up on you. Either way, rule 5.

31: If a woman asks a man to carry her skis, she owes him a whoopee!. For anyone else asking for someone to carry their kit. Rule 7 and 5

32: extra points for skiing off-piste on piste skis or skiing with any sort of style on piste with elongated snowboards on your feet

33: Outwardly, bases are for scraping up and edges are for bashing. Never show anything less than casual pride in damage dealt to your skis. If you are not racing, hotboxing and excessive attention to sharpening and angles are the same as a man purchasing exfoliant. Wax is permitted but no more than once every 7 skiing days. If in doubt see rule 5. However, this does not mean rule8 can be ignored. It’s a fine line, but a line all the same

34: You’re not taking lessons. The correct term is clinic or skiing with your coach.

35: Warranty claims beginning with “I was just skiing along….” are the mark of the fraud and scoundrel. If you are going to break anything ensure it was at least done as a result of being rad or in conjunction with rule 15.

36: When sat outside a bar (and observing rule 13 of course), you must always be the last to put jacket on or suggest going inside when it starts getting cold. Otherwise rule 5 applies. NB losing parts of your anatomy through frostbite and stupidity do not qualify for rule 15. In those cases, rule 7 applies.

37: Keep up with your friends. If one of you skis it, then all other membes of the group are obliged to, otherwise, Rule 5. However, rule 7 can apply if someone deliberately takes a line which will knowingly bring rule 15 into effect.

38: Skiing/Boarding is not a cheap activity. If you want to save money – don’t go. If you’re heard to complain about the cost of things, rule 5 is likely to be applied

39: The only reason for sitting in the middle of the piste is during incidents leading to application of Rule 15

40: A faff allowance of 5 minutes per person per day should be permitted. Excessive faff should be repayed with après beers, like beer/faff karma.

Comment with any changes or additions you’d like to see.
PLEASE take it in the manner it was intended.. remember Rule 18!